I have rewritten this a dozen times, even to the extent of having multiple versions of this at one point. All, as you might have guessed, to explain where I have been, what I have been up to and why the releases dried up.
Of course, the answers to these questions is something those of you on the discord server know most of this already. I went to my dad’s place for Easter and ended up in a place without cell reception or internet access. That part was alright actually. It was only weird at first but afterwards… I adapted! However, that was only part of it.
For those of you who don’t know, the truth of the matter is, my dad and I had a fight which among other things centred on my writing. I’ll spare you guys the details but basically, he thinks I’m “taking life too easy”, wasting my time with my “silly things”, need to learn to concentrate on…blah blah blah…your work is worthless, blah blah blah… grow up… blah blah blah. See no details. Nothing about how I’m being foolish or petty or disrespectful for my back talk or anything like that. Am I still hurt and bitter about it? What in the world would give you that idea?
Yes, it hurt. It hurt more than I am comfortable admitting to myself but honestly, I should have seen something like that coming. He has never shown much interest in my writing to begin with and his response to me publishing my first book was and indulging… “That’s good.” Look, I don’t know, maybe I’m crazy for getting hung over this. Maybe I simply bemoaning the fact that my father apparently cares little for the things I care about. If you’re going to say anything like he’s showing he cares but in his own way, wants what’s good for me and doesn’t want me to throw my life and talent away by wasting my time writing for faceless people on the internet or anything similar, you might be right. I’m not stupid! I can at least guess his motivations. Doesn’t change the fact that what he said…hurt and it didn’t end there.
Anyway, it all came to a head three weeks ago. My mum arranged for us to talk it out. That didn’t happen quite work out how she planned it. At the time I was feeling determined and rebellious. It didn’t matter if he didn’t approve or care…I was going to do it anyway…blah blah…some snark, some angst. My direction found, I sat down in front of my laptop that night…like I always do and tried to write.
Key word: tried. What I actually did was stare at my computer screen for hours till I went to bed. Same thing happened the night afterwards and the night after that. A week or so into the cycle, my mum came into my room to see my desk covered with used coffee mugs and a couple of empty bottles of coke playing xenoverse 2. She’d noticed I had stopped writing and wanted to know why.
It seems I had developed a problem. Call it what you want, the yips, jitters, mojo deficiency, Writer’s Block, etc. Bottom line, I was not…could not… write. I would sit and stare at my screen, hover over my keyboard but the words would not come. When I did get something down it would be weird, stilted disjointed. Even the voice was wrong. I’d lost my mojo!
So you see technically I was sick, that’s why the releases cut off… Can I call that?… The worst case of this affliction that I can remember having. I tried several methods to resolve it. Watched youtube videos on the topic…cause YouTube has all the answers right? Even claimed my two days off to lock myself in my room and enter closed-door cultivation …didn’t work.
What happened? Clearly, the things my dad said got to me. I doubted myself and got lost for a while. Never knew I was so fragile. It’s not the first time someone disparaged my writing but this time was different. This one got under my skin and in my head. But then again, no one can bring you down quite as well as family after all.
How did I get my mojo back? I quit. I think I mentioned it once in that blog post oh so long ago. Nothing I did worked so I took a break. Forcing myself was only giving me bad results so I didn’t anymore. For a whole week I did nothing but play video games and watch movies with family. Then, I tried again.
But I tried again. Took a few steps back a focused on free writing this time. I put HoGW and DC/RH out of my mind and just…wrote I guess. That worked much better. I went back to my files and took out some old story plans and read through them; Summoned Lightning (the idea that competed with HoGW) Aeon Chronicles (Competed with DC/RH) and a few others. I’d take one and focus on it for a while, develop it a bit further, explore their themes, etc. When the mojo started flowing through my veins again and I was finally back in a good space…place…? I picked up DC/RH and here we are.
That’s that! Went on a trip. Had a crappy birthday (Day before fight. Not even one crappy present). Got into a fight with my dad. Tanked my book launch. Doubted myself. Got writer’s block. Pushed through it, somehow. Now that I can write again I’d rather just get back into it and put his behind me.
So let’s do that!
Sorry I made you wait so long. But I’m back now!